WWE Raw 03/05/18: Music is the Weapon
About Convenient Megadeth References…
Let’s just get the easy part out of the way: the Symphony of Destruction Falls Count Anywhere match was stupid as hell and also the goddamned best. This was one of those slam dunk segments that honestly would have taken effort for WWE to fuck up, and thankfully it delivered on all fronts. But how could it not? Consider the players: Elias is on some next level classic heel shit right now that’s a treat to watch, whether he’s badly singing his bad songs and goading the audience into wanting him dead or getting Jojo to give him a second introduction so he can flee the match under cover of darkness (which honestly was a pretty brilliant move). It’s weird that we live in a world where The Miz and Elias, wrestlers this site has collectively loathed in the past, are now Raw’s two most compelling villains, but it’s oddly fitting because they’re both masters at making themselves come across as absolutely detestable people while retaining that odd charm that makes them intensely compelling to watch. If I’m being honest, Elias might even be better than The Miz right now, since Miz (especially this week) has the tendency for saying things that are rude but completely accurate while Elias just sucks as a person in a way that’s fun to watch but never makes him sympathetic. And maybe I’m just partial to flying elbows but he’s also developed into a surprisingly good wrestler now!
And then there’s Braun Strowman, who enters the segment holding Elias’ car in place so he can’t drive away and never gets any less unnecessarily violent or joyfully stupid. Watching everything Braun does, from taking guitar shots to pretending like he’s going to play the piano and then hilariously and atonally slamming the keys, is a treat because the guy has such incredible timing and understanding of how spots should play out and how to best milk comedy out of his overblown, monstrous, give-no-fucks character. Oh, and did I mention that Braun beat Elias half to death with an upright bass and a piano? Because that was pretty awesome too.
About the Ending of Ol’ Yeller…
This can also be referred to as “The Segment in Which John Saw Goldust and Was Sad.”
I love Goldust. He’s a great wrestler and one of the best promos in the business. Him showing up to rain on John Cena’s time to talk mess about his Fastlane opponent’s in s venue where they can’t respond (which is pretty cowardly, by the way) is a great moment that lets Goldust be weird and talk in film references while also being, in a roundabout way, a brutally honest take on the fact that Goldust is an older veteran of the business whose time is running out. His line about how his idyllic dreams that were like rainbows “have all turned grey and evil” feels in many ways like a reference to the fact that despite his unarguable importance to this company’s success as a testbed for many of the envelope-pushing stunts that would come to define the Attitude Era, he’s never been the decorated success he should have been, whether through bad timing or due to lost time dealing with his own demons. On one hand I love that there’s that level of understated depth to his motivations, but on the other I’m bummed out because it’s making me realize that Goldust is old and won’t be doing this for much longer. Hell, he even looks old. Then he had a match against Cena, and it was competent but felt slow despite being relatively short and served to further reinforce that Goldust looks tired. Hopefully it was just an off night or the result of a difficult feeling out process, as this was somehow the first ever singles match between Goldust and John Cena, but I can’t help but be worried that it’s something more. I guess what i’m trying to say is: Goldust, I love you and you will always be my special boy, but please exit gracefully because the last thing I want is to be sad about the fact that you won’t retire.
About Dilapidated Storylines (Also Boats)…
So we’re still doing this shit, unfortunately. In spite of the fact that this “great war” might be going on for even longer than his insufferable Finn Balor feud, Bray Wyatt is still fighting Matt Hardy for some reason. It starts off like all these awful segments do, with Bray achieving some meaningless victory before going on to brag about how he’s the greatest demon god man to ever do whatever and oh god my brain is already trying to suffocate itself. But then Bray calls out “The Final Deletion” by name, which immediately tipped me off that something goofy was about to go down. But then Matt appears and challenges Bray to come to the Hardy Compound and calls it “The Ultimate Deletion” and oh my god this is actually happening you guys.
Now let’s be frank: this all should have happened a long time ago and there’s no reason to believe that WWE, who’s gotten this entire character wrong up until now, will suddenly start to do right by the Broken/Woken gimmick now. But Jeremy Borash, who helped Matt produce his mad genius for Impact Wrestling, is involved and for god’s sake they’re giving screen time to lovable drone Vanguard 1 and Skarsgard the Dilapidated Boat and I WANT TO BELIEVE SO BAD. But either way, even if this ends up being on the level of the bad New Day/Wyatt Family stuff from a few years ago, it’s still better than what they’ve spent the past few months doing.
The Raw Rapid Fire Round-Up:
And now the part where we talk about the segments that weren’t interesting
I almost wrote a million words about why I don’t like this whole storyline but this column doesn’t need another thousand words. So I’ll just say the Paul Heyman promo was great and Roman is a goof. More on that next time.
The Bar made The Revival look like jabronis. Fuck that.
They did Nia Jax vs. Asuka again. It was fine.
And I’m a bit ashamed to admit this, but I think I like that stupid Papa Roach song that’s the new Raw theme. There, I said it.
—
What did you think of this week’s Raw? Let us know in the comments!
